The time I thought that we would have
Was taken from red to black
I said things I can't take back
And I don't know how to live with that
There's a darkness that I've known
And it's shaken me to stone
It kills me you might not know
After all
'Cause I know I don't let you see
But you mean the world to me
And I know that I can be pretty mean
But you mean the world to me
- Freya Ridings -
Parenthood is a journey, let me tell you.
Speaking from my own experience, motherhood really does change a person. But it doesn’t completely erase who you are as a person before you created new life. Every experience you have - the good, the bad, and the ugly; the amazing, spectacular, and devastating - this leaves an everlasting imprint in you.
Being a mother has forced me to look inward more than I ever have before; I examine how I speak to my daughter, how we laugh, and how we work through conflict. It is hard to remember that there’s no such thing as a perfect parent, and we’re all going to make mistakes (because honestly, we’re all a little f*cked up). We learn from our own parents’ guidance and mistakes; Some of us may be trying to not become our parents in the process.
Through this, I am reminded that nobody is fully good or fully evil. Rather, there are intentions and actions (or, inactions in some cases).
Ultimately, we are all intertwined in some shape or form.
Our words and emotions do have an impact on others. This at times is a terrifying prospect.
All that said, while we may have bad days and moments, those shouldn’t discredit the effort we put into being a present teacher.
As a teacher may ask:
Who do we want our children to be?
Who do we want to become?
Can we learn from our own mistakes, and show ourselves compassion and grace?
I think we can.
You may be wondering why on Earth I chose the song / lyrics I did for this maternity session. Well, I’ll fill you in.
Without giving away spoilers, last year was rough on everyone. Relationships were put to the test. Not everyone is immune to the strain that the pandemic has brought on. When you throw in several life changes, complex family-dynamics, the uncertainty of what tomorrow will bring… it can easily turn into a bit of a shit-show, for lack of a better word.
My best friend had kind of a hard year.
But when I look at these images, I don’t see a trace of tears or pain.
I see one hell of a strong woman. Tenacious and fierce — she loves all of her children more than anyone. I also see a happy family, standing behind her.
If you’ve read these posts of mine, you’ll know that Toni was able to give me a glimpse into motherhood about a year before I embarked on the path. I consider myself truly lucky to know her — she will tell you straight how she sees it, no bullshit or fillers. The honest-to-God truth. And even when sometimes those things can sting, you know it’s coming from a place of deep love and care.
Oftentimes, that is what being a mother is about. Sometimes you have to deliver tough (yet kind) love, and hard lessons are learned (for both mother and child). But don’t get me started on the mother-daughter wound.. if you don’t know what it’s about, look it up.
When I heard this song by Freya Ridings, it hit me like a brick wall.
When you get mad it’s easy to say things you don’t mean. Or the tone of your voice can cut like a blade.
I should know. I have some of these things embedded in my mind from my own childhood. I also replay moments of my own, where I wish I had just taken a breath and walked away. It breaks my heart, because underneath it all, I am a sentimental, mushy, emotional, loving, hot-mess of a mom. I don’t want to be a mean mom (and I want her to know how much she means to me).
I’m not the only one like this (though it can feel like we’re in it alone).
Anyway. The year has passed and is done. The pain and hurt, trials and tribulations, that can linger. But it cannot dampen the fire and fury of a mother’s love. A new life was created last year through the fire, and this daughter: She is going to be a breath of fresh air. I just know it.
On this night that I write this, it is Toni’s birthday. Her own special day. And we’re all waiting so (im)patiently for their family’s fourth blessing (though the third that Toni has brought into the world). I was kind of hoping maybe they would have the same birthday, but that’s me being a weirdo.
I’m so glad that Toni exists and was born today.
She’s my favorite Pisces.
She means the world to me.
So does M, F, (my P), E, and now, baby L.
All of our girls.
-K.
